Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
