I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
