Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
