ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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