I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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