I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
