I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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