i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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