Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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