So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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