Got a toothbrush?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
