Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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