Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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