Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
