I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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