Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
