There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
