went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
