I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
