So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
