This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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