Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
