You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
