My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
