Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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