Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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