Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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