well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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