I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
