My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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