id be glad to
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
