I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
