Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
