she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
