just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
