Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize