There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
