At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
