I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
