i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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