Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
