I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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