please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize