You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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