i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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