Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just high enough for therapy.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize