Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
