Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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