One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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