You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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