Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
