Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
