I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
