I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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