porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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