I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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