Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
