Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize