Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
