Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Mom said you looked used
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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