she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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