masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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